Merry Christmas

This holiday has been busy and hectic and went by faster than any I can remember. So, today after a unusually crazy day, I decided to really try to focus on the sights and sounds of the holiday season. The  music, the lights and even the horribly over crowded stores.

It is interesting how being purposely conscious of something gives you a whole new perspective. For the first time all month, I actually noticed and even enjoyed all the madness that is the holidays. I hope everyone takes even a little bit of time to really soak it in. After all, Christmas 2014 will never come again.

Merry Christmas to all!

A great night

I must say that Sir and I had a really great  evening tonight. I always enjoy being with him but I especially enjoyed it tonight.  I feel like we really were able to communicate effectively.

We talked about what is going on in our lives as well as our situation. It comes down to that we are both doing what we feel like we need to be. I As usual, he was candid and matter of fact. I know he doesn't like disappointing or causing me pain but knows he can be honest with me or at least I hope he does. I wouldn't want it any other way.

We talked about why we are who we are and why we are ok with that despite it not being the normal or easy. It also realizef that we are a lot more alike than I  thought yet also oddly complementary.

While things have been difficult, I told him that it doesn't change anything for me. I still want to do the things I commited to. I will continue to do them because I want to and it's important to me. It's my choice and it feels right to me at this moment in time. 

I understand that life can ebb and flow and I get so much satisfaction knowing that I can rise to the challenge of whatever may come, good or bad. 

Right now, at this very moment, I am happy and feel good about how things are. It's just another twist in our unique journey.

. 

 

Finding Peace

I am not a religious person, especially when it comes to organized religion but I go through phases of being somewhat spiritual. Recently, I've been trying to get back to that.

The last 6 months were tough being fraught with death, loss and unwanted change. Unhappiness, suspicion and irritability became my go to emotions. I wasn't always a very nice person and could even be downright mean. Sir, who has been dealing with struggles of his own, was getting exasperated with me and I seriously feared my intense need to control would drive him away. I got caught up in trauma and petty arguments. This was not normal for me and I didn't want it to be! I was pretty miserable. 

I guess I just got tired of being angry, resentful and worrying about things I had no control over. Something had to change. I started to read everything I could about finding a happier life for myself and learning how to let go of the outcome. It would be hard but living how I had been would be way worse.

As I started my quest for contentment one word kept coming into my mind. Peace. If I could figure "peace" out maybe I could be the happier, kinder, gentler person I want to be.

Peace is what? What is Peace? What Peace Is..

1. Peace is actively accepting what is happening. No comparing. No judging. No fixing. No living for the future or grasping for a different reality in a way that brings undue or unwise strain to your person…Because you are not any of these things.

2. Peace is an act of solidarity with oneself and with all beings and matter. I am not my thoughts or my circumstances, but I am part of all that is. Space and things and thoughts, all of these relate to each other as distinct realities but not separate ones. When I breathe air from the space around me and take it in, something is shared with me and I share something with it. WE are a collective harmony that sometimes is experienced as disharmony, and sometimes not, but we are a true tapestry. It is great gift to intentionally submit to this unity and mutuality, to be aware of it and to embrace it consciously. There is wisdom that flows from this intentionality and its fruit is peace.

3. Peace is more than acceptance and solidarity though. Peace is loving kindness for all beings and for all things FOR their distinctness and FOR their togetherness. True humanity is innately loving and can be found in this level of consciousness and skill alone. Until I can love all things for their freedom to be unique and for their ‘lack of freedom’ in their connectedness, I am always reacting out of something other than my true, highest nature, which is loving kindness. 

All that is not peace in me comes from living down to a lower impulse and it is this lower impulse-fear, hate, anxiety, too much of a good thing- that promotes fracturedness and uneasiness. Loving kindness brings me into harmony with my true self, with who I am and peace is the sign that love has made its home in me where it is destined to flower and grow. Where there is love, I am being my true, distinct self as part of the larger connectedness I share with all beings and all things. 

I'm not sure how much of that makes sense but it made sense to me as I was writing it. I would love to say that I've become this totally zen being who always sees the glass as half full but that wouldn't be true. I still struggle every day. Despite that, I'm starting to learn to chill out a bit. To think before I overreact or become defensive. I'm learning to forgive my mistakes and shortcomings. While I regret any pain they caused anyone else, I don't regret the pain they caused me. All of it made me who I am and led me to where I am today.  

And at for this exact moment in time, where I am is not a bad place to be. 

 

The Joys of Self Exploration

Self-Play, or masturbation as it is also commonly called, is an avenue for self-discovery, self-pleasuring, experimentation, learning, and even acting out fantasies for your partner. It is the safest form of sex. It is also the least expensive (you don’t necessarily have to take yourself out on a “date” beforehand).  This is true even if you do buy yourself a nice, fancy toy to play with once in a while! It's all about you :)

Fantasies drive self-play. Watching porn or reading erotica can be the source of your fantasies or they can be from your own mind (especially if you have a vivid imagination like I do!) Even writing-out your own fantasies as stories can be very stimulating. Some people find that self-play is a great time to map out strange or unusual fantasies they have. I personally love to do this.

 

If you are interested in having a sex toy collection, that can be an endless source of erotic fun. There are so many different things out there. You just have to start researching and trying them out. Whatever it is that you decide on, it is important to keep them good and clean at all times. Silicone toys are by far made out of the best material for sex toys. They are non-porous and made of a completely bacteriologically inert material. They can be boiled up to 500-degrees Fahrenheit and any cleaner or disinfectant can be used on toys made of silicone, be it alcohol, bleach, or anything else. Because of their expense, buy silicone toys only after you’ve experimented with non-silicone, less-expensive versions of similar toys and know exactly what you like. The silicone versions you purchase later on will last you years, if not for many years to come!

Mild sensation-play additions such as nipple or clitoral clamps for mild S&M can be a lovely addition to your session of self love. For me, these touches add to the general atmosphere and excitement of self-play!  

Now you don't just have to use sex toys. I have found many everyday objects like kitchen utensils, small bottles, celery sticks, cucumbers or even lit candles have brought me amazing pleasure! The kinds of things you can come up with for inspiration are endless! 

 

Keep in mind that many objects or toys that are new to you may have a “learning curve” before you discover their full potential. Many purchasers of kegal or Ben-Wa balls for instance, report not really “getting it” until a few attempts. So, keep at something a few times, and really sensitize yourself to what other ways you can move/flex/position that toy to produce a different effect till you get that “aha” moment!

Sensual self-exploration and discovery is part of the rich potential that is inherent in self-play. Just keep trying different things that you suspect may be expressions of your fantasies, sensations that you haven’t fully explored, or new kinds of objects or toys – all should become members of your arsenal for bountiful adventuring!

 

To summarize, self-play is more than simply pleasurable, it is part of your exciting sexual journey. Take your sweet time. Set aside lots of time to really explore yourself and your body’s possibilities. You have millions of erogenous zones! Take time to visit several of them and good luck making it last!

Well, when you have permission of course :)

 

 

 

 

 

Happy Thanksgiving

Every year we see emails, cards, commercials, billboards around this time reminding us to be thankful. Its easy to say, but it isn't always so easy to do. I know that it has been a challenging year for many of us as we have been a part of so many changes. For some of us, these changes involved moving on to new jobs, new housing, new relationships and new stages of life. There were goodbyes and endings just as there were hellos and beginnings. There was extreme elation and great depths of despair. 

I’m sure I’m not the only one who simultaneously felt sad as I had to say farewell to things which had been such an integral part of my life and yet also excited and optimistic about future opportunities.

I can say this, however. I am indeed thankful for so many things and even all of the people whose paths crossed with mine regardless if ours was a positive or negative interaction.The last year for me has been full of change, successes, failures, laughs, and tears. I’m thankful for them all. I’m thankful for the time with my family, the new experiences, my d/s relationship with Sir, the opportunities to grow, the jokes (sometimes at my expense), the friendships, and most of all I’m thankful for all of the memories. 

Our lives will continue to be full of change, some good and some bad, but we can always be thankful for the experiences along the way. Each one is a mile marker along the road of life. After all, those experiences are what makes us who we are and have brought us to this very moment.  

So this week while you gather around friends and family to share a meal and the things you are thankful for, remember all of those little moments. On their own they may seem like insignificant parts of everyday life, but they are the threads that make up the tapestries of our lives. Be thankful for every precious moment, be it small or significant. When I’m thinking about those things I’m thankful for this Thursday, all of these will be among them.

A very Happy Thanksgiving to all of you, my friends.

Dinner, sex and great company

The title says it all! Those are all the elements needed for a great night which is exactly what I had!

I finally got some much needed time with Sir. I invited him over for dinner which we enjoyed with a picture perfect view of Seattle, arguably one of the most beautiful cities in the world. 

He is still having a difficult time in some very important parts of his life and seems tired and worn out. I understand that everyone has hardships and rough terrain they must trudge though but it just makes me sad to see such a great human being, one that I care a great deal about, suffering. The only thing I can do  is just be there if he needs to talk and not put demands on him or add drama. He knows I would do anything for him but not unlike myself, he needs to muddle through in his own way and in his own time.

Despite the effects of the ongoing struggles in his mood, we had a great time. Even when is sad, depressed or just blah, he is still awesome company. He was as funny and charming as ever in that way that only he can be. As for the sex? That sex, that i never dreamed could be so great?  Well, I am happy to report that as always, it was legendary and left me euphoric and one satisfied bitch!

I am so glad we got to catch up and I absolutely love to serve him. I admit, I felt a little tense at first but that soon disappeared and we fell right back into our usual awesome dynamic. 

I hope I brought him a little sunshine even if just for a little while. He deserves that and so much more.

A Horny Blogaversary!

This month is a blogaversery of sorts. I started this blog in May 2012 but only wrote sporadically for the first year and a half. 

November 7th, 2013 was the start of my required weekly blogpost and I've written 54 posts since! It's interesting to look back at the many adventures and struggles I've had over the last year. I conquered a lot of fears and difficult situations. Yes, I've also had my share of failures and setbacks and it was very difficult at times but I never gave up.

I'm grateful Sir enforces this writing rule. There have been so many times that writing helped me process my emotions  and I came out stronger and wiser because of it.  I'm proud of my progress and often don't give myself enough credit but I must say,  I am one damn tough and resilient bitch! I don't know many people who could take on all the deeply ingrained programming and work through the growing pains. I have Sir to thank for helping me get this far and look forward to seeing what else we can conquer together.

I've been super horny lately! It started with that huge gorgeous moon we had last Friday. Something about a full moon really turns me on. I've always loved when the moon was full anyway but now that I have this terribly high sex drive, it has taken on a whole new meaning. 

I often thought it was a metaphor for bringing lightness into the dark which is maybe why it makes me feel so good. Who knows? All I know is that it makes me one horny bitch!

Sir did allow me one orgasm this evening which I am so grateful for. I did try to get another but no such luck...

Fortunately, we have plans to get together soon. That's the only real cure for what ails me. I would taking fucking him once over 100 orgasms by myself!

What can I say? He is just too damn talented ;)

Perserverance

Things have been difficult lately. Dark, damp and moody much like fall in Seattle. This has been mostly true for Sir but for more so than usual for me as well. I've been on this earth long enough to know how life's positive and negative energy ebb and flow. Most of the time I can ride out the difficult times but other times... Well, not so much.

This morning I remembered that I had a post due. I felt a bit overwhelmed. I didn't have anything to say and it seemed a daunting task. I thought about just writing a generic article about some bdsm topic but my heart wasn't in it. I let this thought settle. It didn't settle well.

On a whim, I decided to ask if I could skip writing a blog post today. I wasn't going to skip all together. I just wanted an extension in hopes I would be inspired soon. 

As soon as I pressed "send" I regretted it. This was a horrible, terrible, tragic idea! This was a lethal dose of poison to something very important to me and something Sir and I have spent years trying to cultivate. If I missed writing this today, soon I would miss something else, then something else and before I knew it, I would be completely rewired to submit only when it was easy or convenient which as anyone knows, isn't submission at all.

This thought shook me. Hard. I NEVER stop just because something is difficult. At least when it comes to this. If I didn't write a post today, I might as well just hang up my nipple clamps and join team vanilla. Resign myself to a life of bland sex and wishy-washy roles. A life where in time I would most likely go mad because of the lack of boundaries and general malaise. I shudder to even consider it. 

I really started to panic when he simply wrote back "Skip tonight". 

No! That is not the answer! Patience and perseverance is the only answer. This was my mini battle to fight and my mama didn't raise no pussy. If I have a task due, nothing, especially self pity, should ever stop me from getting it done.

Fortunately, he finally told me this behavior just makes everything worse and turns him off. Now, as he himself said, that may sound harsh but it stopped me dead in my tracks and I could feel my attitude change almost immediately. Harsh or not, I respond best to someone directly stating the consequences of my behavior. If I don't like those consequences, I change my behavior. End of story. It's what I need. 

Of course, I am only human and I need compassion and empathy as much a the next person but not in this situation. I need to know that I have gone too far. I am grateful he still feels free to be that way with me. 

After, the adjustment in my thinking, It started to dawn on me that perhaps my submission was not stagnate after all. In fact, maybe it was being tested more than it ever had been before. That whether or not I could handle distance and inevitable periods of difficulty in itself was a test of my devotion. I had been looking at it all wrong. 

My challenge right now is not to see if I can take X amount of pain, grapple with compersion or see how horny I can get before I explode but to patiently and respectively lay low. To offer quiet assurance that he is safe to deal with what he needs to and process the difficult emotions he is feeling without any extra stress from me.

This has been a tough learning experience but I think I finally get it. My resolve has been renewed. I'm not saying it will be easy and that I won't ever struggle but I can now clearly see the bigger picture instead of getting hung up on one moment in a long journey. 

I'm going to work hard on this. He deserves the best I can give and I hope he never accepts anything less from me or anyone else.

 

Edging and Orgasm control is beautiful

Sir has been in control of my orgasms for over 2 1/2 years now. It is impressive how well trained I am at this finely tuned skill. Not that it is always easy. There have been many times I have had to really concentrate and needed to stop suddenly while he is fucking me. This phenomenon is called edging. It is a form of orgasm control sometimes practiced just during a BDSM scene while other times it is used in a long term relationship where the orgasms are controlled 24/7. 

The submissive is brought just to the verge of having an orgasm, only to have the stimulation withdrawn and the potential orgasm delayed/denied.  Usually, this cycle of excitement and denial is repeated until the scene is concluded.  The way most people play this particular game, it’s that it is the dominant’s prerogative to determine when (or if) the submissive is allowed to orgasm.

Orgasm control is a broader term, it includes edging, tease and denial, as orgasm on demand.  It’s ultimate expression is when a submissive has been trained to orgasm on command, either with a single word (Sir most often will simply say "cum"). I've also heard of other Dom's using a hand signal as the trigger to let go and orgasm.

Edging and orgasm control are an important part of the D/S dynamic between Sir and I.  He absolutely controls all of my orgasms.  It’s been an amazing two plus years that I have required his explicit permission to  cum.  I expect, that as long as we are together, it will remain that way.  And, why wouldn't it?  It’s a very fulfilling “game@ for us to play together and has become synonymous with submission in my mind.

A lot of dominants choose orgasm control as a way of expressing their dominance, their mastery over their submissive.  I suppose that psychology does exist as a part of the dynamic between Sir and myself but I also think it is because he inspires me to want to submit to him. The compulsion to obey him is so strong that I often wonder if I can break it. I'm not sure about that and to be honest, I really have no desire to find out.

It is only upon meeting Sir that I learned I was multi-orgasmic. I would have never suspected that! Because of his training and power to inspire, I am capable of cumming again and again and again.  Often so many times that  lose count. Yes it could be said that I am one spoiled, orgasmic bitch :). 

So why would man deny a woman like me this beautiful, magical, pleasure? In this state of orgasmic bliss, I feel beautiful, I serve Sir well, and am an incredibly sexual being, So,why wouldn't he let me cum and cum and cum? Why would he want to deny me pleasure?

I guess the simple answer to that is:

Because he can.

He has that power, and he enjoys using it.  Sometimes he will tell me that he is going to use me like a whore and that it’s not about my pleasure, it’s about his. My training is so deep that I am now actually turned on by this thought. Someday, he may not allow even one orgasm when he fucks me and while that thought terrifies me, it also makes me feel submissive and turned on. 

I think I will feel a overwhelming sense of pride from that day. 

An awesome evening serving him

Life has been particularly time consuming and difficult lately especially for Sir. He has had a lot of stress and emotionally taxing situations going on. Because of the strength of my submission to him and the importance of his needs and well being to me, this makes me very sad. My brain is so wired to wanting his pleasure that when he is feeling bad, it is upsetting. Unfortunately, there is nothing I can do to help directly with his current issues but I can help by being a well behaved, low maintenance little bitch and that is exactly what I intend to do!

I invited him for dinner last night. I absolutely LOVE to serve him! It is so rewarding for me and it brings me so much pleasure to please him. We had such a nice time. It was hot, passionate, fun, relaxing, amusing, cathartic and many other epic emotions. It felt so good to reconnect. When I first let him at the door, I swear I felt my pussy just explode in delight! His smell seemed more intoxicating than ever. It never fails to make me swoon. I don't think I've ever "swooned" like that over anyone before but it's the one reoccurring word that comes to mind when I think about the effect of his natural scent. It's evokes this primal and animalistic reaction in me.

When we got upstairs, I continued    preparing dinner but that lasted all of 2 minutes before he summoned me over to him. It you had connected me to a voltage meter, I'm sure I would have blown the thing up! I was so fucking turned on!

I started to say how it had been so long and for this reason, he should give me a bunch of orgasms. As soon as it was out of my mouth, I realized that being demanding probably wasn't the right thing to do. He wan't happy about my presumptuous attitude and went on to tell me exactly how it was going to be. I quickly changed my mindset back to that of focusing on his pleasure. Only then did I truly feel at peace and back in the place where both he and I desire me to be.

I continue to be fascinated by this deep need to submit to him and only him. When he is in control and uses me exactly how he wants to, I feel a high like none I've ever known. Intellectually, this is very odd to me but it is who I am and what I desperately need. It is also interesting that as much as submission has become part of me, the thought of anyone else trying to dominate me is laughable at best and downright creepy at worst. It's a role that can be filled by only him. Something I accept but am also terrified by. To know he has that power of me is frightening yet magical. Life would have less meaning without it.

He was rough and dominating and fucked me hard. He told me exactly what was expected of me. I told him I understand and would be the obedient submissive bitch he needs. It felt so good and I loved how he was so tough on me. It was exactly what we both needed.  Despite my little slip in desperation earlier, he gave me many orgasms but only after warning me that I was never to demand or even suggest that he owes me orgasms or anything else for that matter. If I did, he would fuck me without letting me cum. Something that not once in six years has ever happened. I got the message loud and clear and trust me, that is a record I definitely don't want to break!

Afterwards, we both feel asleep for probably 5 or 10 minutes which doesn't happen all that often. At that moment, every fiber of my being was satisfied.

When we finally got up, dinner had cooled down but fortunately it was still salvageable. We went on to have great conversation during dinner. I love when he shares his unique perspective on things. He is funny, direct, charismatic and has this quirky, dominant personality that I find so appealing. He is who he is and makes no apologies about it. I do very well with his personality type and find it far more interesting than phony or passive types. I may not always like what he says but I almost always understand it. We work very well together and he is good for me. Not always easy, but definitely good :)

Such a Horny Bitch

I have been terribly horny lately. Since I met Sir over 6 years ago, my sex drive  has been higher than average but in the last week it has risen to dangerous levels.

It's always starts out physical. A gnawing tightness in the muscles of my pussy causing me to flex my kegel muscles. Most times I don't even realize I am clenching but the moment I do, that's when the tingling starts, which in turn fires up my vivid imagination. 

 

This has been happening all day, everyday. It doesn't matter where I am or what I am doing, I'm aroused.  

As if that wasn't intense enough, it literally explodes when I hear or see something sexual! At this point, I start to get antsy, uncomfortable and feel the need to move. I'm pretty sure this isn't normal but its become absolutely normal for me.

 

I have a few theories as to why I'm hornier than usual although I am not 100% sure. My life is finally back to a calmer, more stable state after months of upheaval. Maybe because I have less stress and distractions, my body wants to take advantage of this and take on more. 

 

My second theory is that I'm so horny because I haven't been able to fuck Sir in 3 weeks! That's an eternity to my pussy! It's no wonder I'm half crazy :)

Unfortunately, life circumstances have been making this near impossible for both of us. I really hope that changes soon!

He has been so patient with my multiple requests for orgasms as well as being very generous about giving me permission. I have been asking a lot  more than I usually do although I feel that it is only a fraction of what I want to ask for. Such a horny bitch.

 

Despite how crazy it makes me to be this horny all the time, I must say I get so much satisfaction knowing that this is under his control. I love that he finds pleasure in my suffering. Although, when he tells me how much it pleases him to know my cravings are so strong, it just makes me hornier!

 

I don't mean to make it seem like I'm complaining, ungrateful or that it is even wholly a bad thing. It definitely has some benefits. Suffering and sacrifice are an important element of my submission. I feel such a sense of peace when he has me wait and trusting he knows exactly what is best for me. It makes me feel incredibly content and submissive.

Hopefully, our dry spell is over soon and I don't drive him crazy in the mean time with all my orgasm requests. 

Until then, I will wait submissively in this state of elevated arousal knowing that in good time, I'll once again know that amazing experience that words can't describe and is second to no other. 

Thank you Sir for being so patient and generous with your submissive bitch. I trust in you completely and will wait patiently to please you.

 

 

 

Feeling inspired!

The After a very long stressful week I had the much needed pleasure of meeting Sir for a drink after work. We met at The Islander in Mercer Island which is a pretty awesome place. He had me wear my blue dress with no bra or panties and by 5:45pm, I was a horny mess! As usual, when he walked in, he took my breath away and made my pussy come alive.

 

We had a nice time catching up about what was going on in our lives and then the conversation turned to how things were going when it came to the D/S aspect of our relationship. There were several things I have done in the last 6 months that resulted in consequences that I do not like but I know I only have myself to blame. Facing the fact I lost my composure and it was going to cost me brought on a feeling of hopelessness. This distressed me at first. A lot. But as I began processing what he was saying, I felt this strange, unfamiliar sense of peace come over me. Soon I began to feel strong and a deep fulfillment because I realized I just got a peek at a new level of submission. No, I didn’t get my own way but instead of moping about it and letting take on a life of its own, I chose to see it as a learning experience and a successful test of my boundaries.  

 

My only lingering concern while not nearly as strong as in was at first, is about not being challenged or becoming stagnate in my submission. Together we have come so far and I have experienced and conquered things I never dreamed possible. I feel an overwhelming anxiety when I think about losing that momentum but I trust him when he says there are many ways to foster growth and that it doesn't have to happen. Together we won’t let that happen.

 

I think what ultimately brought me to the feeling of peace is realizing that part of being a true submissive is accepting his decisions. Now, I know it sounds bad to blindly accept someone's decision but he is not just anyone and what we have is far from ordinary. I trust him in a way I have never trusted anyone and I know he cares deeply about me. He truly wants good things for me and it hurts him to see me in pain. Well, at least damaging, emotional pain :)

 

Despite, my worries about my growth being stunted, I woke up today feeling that my submission actually expanded. It was challenged and instead of shutting down or becoming upset or angry, I was  able to overcome my anxiety and insecurity to understand the bigger picture and the reasons behind his decision. My goal is to enrich his life not bring him the stress or misery which this thing has the potential to do. I realized that if it has that kind of destructive potential, I shouldn't want any part of it. Maybe someday he will feel I can handle it, but until then, I will respect his decision. I've experienced what it feels like to disappoint him and the word "traumatizing" comes to mind. I have made a commitment to myself to do everything in my power not to disappoint him or cause him undue stress and that is a commitment I intend to keep. 

 

It makes me feel so good about myself that I was able to pull it together and turn our discussion into something that in the end, strengthened my submission. It reminded me how I am strong, determined and will work tirelessly for a cause that is important to me. I eagerly do this despite obstacles that would  deter the average person because it means that much to me. 

 

I admit that for the first few minutes we talked about it, I did feel myself start to spiral into that horrible, scary place I hate to go. That ugly, dark place that tells me if I was just prettier, smarter, more interesting, a better person, etc. that these things would not be happening. I even felt myself start to shut down so I wouldn't have to feel the pain but to my surprise, these thoughts abruptly stopped. This was without any conscious effort on my part. It's hard to explain as I don’t quite understand it myself but this was definitely not a conscious act. My best guess is that because our bond and the commitment to my submission is so deep, my mind immediately knocked down any thoughts that would threaten that. I am so grateful that happened! I am sure disconnecting and putting up walls would have been a lot easier than letting myself feel discomfort, disappointment and pain but it is an inevitable death sentence with submission. I'll take the pain of growth over the feeling of nothingness any day. Holding back is a sure road to mediocrity and I'll never disrespect what we have by doing that.

 

I love how my submission always wins out in the end and fortunately for me it is happening faster all the time. This gives me less time to get myself into trouble :)

 

It's such a cool phenomenon. It is almost seems as if it has a mind of its own and a wisdom far beyond myself. It knew before I did, that if I start blocking out the hard stuff, that the amazing, life altering stuff would soon disappear as well. That is a horrible tragedy I never want to know. 

 

Sir is such an amazing person with an uncommon wisdom he uses to subtly guide me just far enough to allow me figure it out on my own. He inspires my respect and devotion not by force, anger or guilt but by simply being the unique leader that his is. He makes me want to be a better person.

 

After we talked through everything and were winding down the evening. He told me to cum. I was surprised by this and asked "What?" He said "You heard me." It's amusing how people ask "What?" when they damn well heard what was said. I suppose it buys someone a little time to react. 

 

I got up and went straight to the restroom. Fortunately, no one was in there. I went into the back stall and leaned against the wall and started to rub my pussy with my whole palm and fingers. No penetration. I prefer a friction based orgasm using pressure as opposed to a finger or two. My clitoris is way too sensitive and direct stimulation can be painful. Between my long suffering horniness and my renewed submissive mindset it took maybe all of 45 seconds for me to cum. This just enhanced the lessons of the night. Something I have no doubt he knew it would do.

 

He walked me to my car and as soon as he touched me I turned into a pool of unrestrained molecules bent on one thing. As usual, I couldn't hold back the intense desire to have him devour me, use me and take me as he pleased. Fortunately, he has atleast 1000 times the self control I have or I am sure public indecency would have ensued! 

 

I have been painfully horny ever since. I asked him about having another orgasm. He said I could ask later but the answer would most likely be no AND that that I was to sleep naked! By 10:30pm, I thought I wouldn't be able to stand another second and asked again. 

 

The answer was still no.

 

My gut reaction was to panic but soon this feeling of deep satisfaction knowing that this was bringing him pleasure washed over me. Don't get me wrong, I was still painfully horny and still am as I write this but I have the unwavering motivation to be the good girl he deserves.

Why do I need submission and is it good for me?

For me, BDSM is as much about the mind as about the sex. I can't have one without the other.

I've thought a lot about why I crave submission. What makes me need it, why and should I be concerned that something is wrong with me?

One theory about why one may get pleasure from sadomasochistic sex is that some how orgasm gets been paired with a painful experience. I'm not sure exactlyhow this first got paired for me but undoubtedly they are now forever intertwined. The pain actually increases the endorphins released by the brain. This is because the endorphin system is triggered during both orgasm and intense pain.

Another chemical responses involved in bdsm is the neurotransmitter dopamine. It regulates the  reward system in the brain. Like heroin and opiates, bdsm is so addictive because it mimics this endorphin release which makes you want to do it again. This repetition over time leads to increasingly intense cravings. Brain scans of people who identify as submissive or dominate should sharp spikes in adrenaline when exposed to bdsm porn. These same results were shown in brains of drug addicts. It would seem that bdsm can be as addictive as drugs. For me, I have no idea this is true, 

So, I am pretty sure my brain would show all these things when exposed to bdsm porn and even more to thought or direct contact with Sir! But why?

It's hard to say really. Sometimes submission and domination is just in ones blood. You like it because it is who you are and to change it would just bring at the very least, less pleasure and in some cases, absolute misery. It would seem your fetish is part of your who you are whether you got there due to nature or nurture does not matter. It is most likely both anyway.

BDSM was once thought to be a deviant mental disorder but is now viewed as perfectly healthy and even a type of meditation. It alters the flow in the brain which leads to an altered state of consciousness like runner's high or yoga. I knew there was a reason I got so obsessed with yoga :)

Is it a fetish something you can forget about? Maybe but probably not for long. It would be like pretending you are no longer hetero or homosexual. It may be controlled or subdued for a while but it is never erased.

I agree with the idea that bdsm is s mixture of nature and nurture but does this make me some kind of freak? An inferior human being with mental issues?

Well according to many different studies, the answer to that is no. In fact I am not only perfectly normal, I may also be happier and well adjusted than my vanilla friends. 

A recent Australian health study shows that couples who indulge in bdsm activities were actually happier than their non bdsm counterparts.

Another common misconception is that people who enjoy bdsm were abused as children. I never was but some people were. Studies show that both kinky and non kinky people have similar rates of childhood abuse. It doesn't seem to be a factor in determining ones sexual proclivities and is definitely not pathological symptom of past abuse just a kinky sexual interest attractive to about 2% of sexually active people.

Another thing Ive heard is that bdsm participants are emotionally damaged and unable to connect sexually in a normal way. A 2009 study for that CONSENUAL bdsm showed that participants actual report increased bonding and have lower cortisol levels which is a physiological indicator of stress.

The Australian study I mentioned earlier also reported that people who indulge in bdsm are actually happier than those who do not. Perhaps this is being true to yourself and not just being a sheep who follows the herd so they "fit in" as society says they should. 

Another study published in the journal of Sexual medicine found that people who practice  BDSM tend to be psychologically healthier and scored higher on certain important  indicators of mental health including:

- degree of neurosis
- security in relationships
- over all well being
- levels of extroversion
- openess to new experiences

The one thing they scored lower on is rejection sensitivity (which is a measure of how paranoid people are about others not liking them) 

We aren't sure exactly why BDSM practitioners seem to be psychologically healthier than the general public. Maybe because they are more in tune of their sexual needs which could translate to less sexual frustration. Another theory is that it takes a lot of psychological work to come to terms  with one's unusual sexual inclinations and this could translate to more positive mental health.

I was happy to find that nearly all the studies on the mental health of bdsm participants are positive or at the very least, are not negative.

It's good to know I'm not a total freak of nature :)

For once in my life, I am completely at peace with my sexuality. It is a integral part of who I am and I can't imagine ever living a satisfied life without it.

A crazy week

I've been thinking about the intangible connection you have to someone you have a special bond with. My father passed away a few days ago and the 12 hours beforehand were a nightmare for me. I was completely distraught about everything in my life. I couldn't stop thinking of all the things that were wrong both real and imagined in nearly every aspect of my life. 

 

I kept thinking a lot about my Dad during that time. Things I hadn't thought about in years. Like the time he built us a tree house or stayed up all night assembling bikes so they were under the tree when we woke up Christmas morning. I wondered if the reason I was thinking so much about him was because I knew he was dying. I later realized that I looked at the clock and thought about him at the exact time that he passed away.

 

He was a very kind and intelligent man who earned his degree in Engineering from Lehigh University. He and my mother were married for 34 years until her death in 2000. They were always very respectful of each other and that is something very important to me to model in my own life. I don't always succeed but it will always be a life time goal for me.

 

While he was a great man he wasn't perfect. He was very quiet and hard to get to know. He was always there physically but at time it was hard to connect on a deep emotional level. I never thought about it when I was younger. It was just the way he was. I know now this has made deep intimacy somewhat uncomfortable for me but if that was the worse thing that he did, I consider myself pretty lucky. Now that I am aware of why it makes me uncomfortable it helps when I struggle. Being conscious of it has also pushed me to look for  ways to be more open and vulnerable. Submission is the main place where I have done this. While it is terrifying to be vulnerable sometimes, the openness and release I have found by letting go of my walls has been life changing.

 

I don't think I would have ever been inspired to do this if I hadn't met Sir. He makes me feel safe and has a very calming effect on me when I'm upset. I've not come across someone who can make me feel better as quickly as he can. I should note that the calming effect does not apply to my sexuality. In fact it is the polar opposite! Just thinking about him turns me into a ball of sexual energy. You would think that after six years, the sexual chemistry would mellow out a bit but not with him! In fact, it is quite the opposite. Just when I can't even fathom it getting better, it does. I am one lucky bitch :)

 

We have been wanting to have someone video one of our sexual encounters along with full fledged domination. I have enlisted a friend who is very open and kinky herself to do that. At first I worried that maybe I would feel self conscious or shy while she was there but I soon realized that wouldn't happen! When he is touching and dominating me everything else becomes a blur then ceases to exist.  It's so hot! I am so excited to have our own "show" to be able to watch at a later time. Although, I know damn well I could never watch unless I had permission to cum :)

 

Despite the upheaval of the week, it has been very important to me to keep my obligations to Sir. I went to one yoga class last night and got up and went again at 6am since I know I will be out of town until Sunday. I am also writing my required blog post. This consistency and routine gives me a sense of stability that a lack anywhere else in my life.

 

 

Feeling insecure

Ugh! I hate feeling this way! I can't shake this demoralizing feeling. I feel insecure, boring, insignificant, talentless, average and second best to name a few.

I just can't shake the feeling that he values his other partner more than me. She is younger, an artist and it would seem, way more appealing than I am. 

He has only known her 5 or so months yet he pushes her for more even when she runs away, introduces her to his friends and family and from what I can tell, spends more time with her. I wish I could be happy for him but I can't seem to get this fucking compersion concept down! I'm jealous God dammit!

He says it is not so and that he doesn't value her more than me but if that is really true, why can't I shake this feeling? Is my intuition really that far off? I hate to bug him again with my insecurities. He is really good about listening and reassuring me but I hate being so needy and whiny! I feel like that it will eventually turn him off. I thought if maybe if I just wrote about it I would feel better. 

I don't always feel this way and I know it won't last. It is just the last day or so I've been slipping into this funk. I feel so in the dark and wish I had more information. I'm frustrated and sad and definitely not living in the moment like I've been working very hard to do! 

Respect

Recently, I was thinking about some of the ways that embracing my submission has made me a better woman. Not only am I happier and more content, it also forces me to carefully examine my thoughts, feeling and actions on a regular basis. Something that is always a healthy and productive thing. Most of the time I have no idea what the future holds but one of the greatest gifts finding this passion has given me is the ability to just let go and be.

  

I am all for feminism and strong, capable women. I believe every woman should be self sufficient, responsible for herself and have the ability to find her own way through life. There is no greater time in history to be a woman and the opportunities are endless. The only limitations are the ones put on her by herself. In summary, woman are awesome. 

 

That being said, I've noticed an increasingly disturbing trend that does not put women in the best light and it is something that must change. That is male bashing.

 

Somehow it has become acceptable in society to ridicule, belittle and put down men. This phenomenon has been creeping in slowly over the last couple decades and many times, I've seen how it ruin relationships and emasculate men.

 

It seems to run rampant in marriages and relationships these days and I see it all the time. Wives emasculating the very man they are supposed to love and conquer life with. There is clear there is an epidemic of disrespect of men, husbands and fathers.

 

Sometimes it is blatant and said with obvious disdain but more often it is said in a “joking” manner complete with sighs and eye rolls.

 

I find this very disturbing and not very funny at all.

 

It has even trickled down into the interactions between kids. I can't count how many times I've seen little girls with shirts that say such things as "Girls rule, boys drool", "Girl Power" or the most egregious of them all "Boys are stupid"! I did a double take the first time I saw that one. A major manufacturer really thought it was a good idea to put that on a shirt? Unbelievable. I can only imagination how little boys feel when he sees this shirt. The message that is slowly being indoctrinated is that males may be slower and stupider but will all be ok because fortunately there are women around to guide you, show you the error of your ways and fix your fuck ups.

So here these boys are being given messages that they aren't as good as girls and that they shouldn't trust their own judgment. Then we have the nerve to expect them to grow up into strong and respectable men who know how to treat women like gentlemen. How are they able to grow up to be strong capable men when they see so much male bashing going on in commercials, tv shows (think Kind of Queens and Something about Jim) and even in their own homes.

 

It’s not just words either. There is the passive aggressive behavior, withholding affection and sex, eye rolling and body language.

 

The ironic part of it is that women belittle men and then wonder why they can't find the strong dominant man that they crave. I saw the quote below and while I am not a religious woman, it really resonated with me.

 

“If you’ve spent any time around horses, you know a stallion can be a major problem. They’re strong, very strong, and they’ve got a mind of their own. Stallions typically don’t like to be bridled, and they can get downright aggressive—especially if there are mares around. A stallion is hard to tame. If you want a safer, quieter animal, there’s an easy solution: castrate him. A gelding is much more compliant. You can lead him around by the nose; he’ll do what he’s told without putting up a fuss. There’s only one problem: Geldings don’t give life. They can’t come through for you the way a stallion can. A stallion is dangerous all right, but if you want the life he offers, you have to have the danger too. They go together.”   —John Eldredge, Wild at Heart

 

That sums it up exactly.  Why are so many women slowly castrating men and then bitching and complaining that they aren't a stallion?

 

I know for most of history women have been put down, taken for granted and abused. I know that it still happens and it is horrible and 100% unacceptable but does that mean we have to swing the pendulum so far the other way? 

If someone doesn't respect you, you should walk away. That goes for both sexes who find themselves victims of a partner that belittles, manipulates or indulges in other hurtful behavior.

 

While I am not a man basher or hater of all things masculine, I have been known to make sexist, prejudicial remarks and showing irritation when men are being men. I never noticed it before Sir and I began exploring Dominance and Submission. It has made me very conscious of respect. I could never ridicule, put down or disrespect him without it causing me great distress. Nothing could ever make me withhold sex either! The thought of that is insane to me. It's laughable to think about ever denying him anything much less sex!

 I love to read blogs about submissive  women and am so inspired by the deep level of commitment and respect some have for their Dom. To me it is the ultimate act of submission. 

While this post addresses wonens respect towards men it of course this goes both ways. No woman should ever blindly give herself to a man who does not respect her in return.

I am so fortunate to have found Sir. He treats me with the upmost respect and is always careful and considerate with my feeling while still giving me the pain and humiliation I need. This couldn't work for me otherwise. It's a rare man that can successfully balance domination and respect. I know I am so fortunate to have someone who does it so easily.

My hope is that everyone, men, women and children can someday live with peace and respect.

A new friend

There is no doubt that my very high sex drive is back in full force! It was never gone but was scaled back to that of an average person this summer when I had some struggles and wasn't feeling deserving of many orgasms. That's all in the past now and that's where I'm determined it will stay. Living sexually charged and horny is such a better way to live!

I was just in line at Target when the woman in front of me laid a package of clothes pins on the conveyer belt. Immediately my nipples got hard and my pussy wet. I got this very intense craving to feel those on my pussy. When you are a horny bitch like I am, it obviously doesn't take much! Good thing I love to be horny :) I'm hoping Sir will allow me to use my clamps and cum later...

Yesterday, I met a really awesome woman interested in a threesome situation. I wasn't in the mood to go at first but I'm so glad I did! She was bubbly, funny and pretty heavily involved in the poly and kink scene. I forgot how much I love making new kinky friends especially people integrated in these communities. There are so many exciting things I want to see and do still.

She was cute but became even more attractive the longer I talked to her. I was in a great mood when I left. She definitely liked me too and went out of her way to make it known she was bisexual and that it is a very important part of what she is looking for in a threesome situation.

I told Sir about how excited I was about her.  I know he will enjoy her company. My only concern is that I am not 100% sure he will be sexually attracted to her. Even after all this time, I've been wrong a couple times one way or another about this. I'm hopeful he will though! I really want to start exploring this with him again..

I am in the process of setting up something up for us all to meet and I hope at this time next week, I have good need to report!

It's been a great week!

I'm feeling much better about my submission this last week. It has been a week of many orgasms and my normal hyper aroused self!

It started last Wednesday when around 10pm, he told me to stop what I was doing and cum five times. I was elated and after the first orgasm, I was able to watch porn and linger in my fantasies without fear of cuming too fast.

The following night, to kick off the start of a new NFL season Sir told me that every time the Seahawks scored points I could cum but when the Green Bay Packers scored, I must wear the nipple clamps for two minutes. The Seahawks were their usual awesome selves so I ended up getting five orgasms! Their legendary offense allowed the Packer's to score just 3 times but we didn't start until after the first touchdown so I only ended up wearing them for a total of 4 minutes. Good thing too! After putting them on the first time, I realized that I have not worn them in a long time and I definitely lost my tolerance.

Although I must admit, being the horny masochist I am, I did get turned on by wearing them! It is just the taking them off that I don't like. Especially without Sir there to distract me from the pain with his mouth... Yes, it is definitely time to get my tolerance back up!

It was really a great night! I felt so good and so submissive after my multiple orgasms and just the right amount of nipple pain. I slept better that night than I had in awhile.

Another thing that happened that made me realize I was on track happened on Saturday. I had been doing very unsubmissive things all morning when I had this overwhelming craving for pain, forcefulness and sex of course. I never don't want sex. That is a given! But the pain and desire to be taken and forced to his will permeated my whole being! I imagined him overtaking my complete essence and me being absolutely obedient to anything and everything he wanted. These thoughts overwhelmed me for a few minutes. My pussy was wet and I couldn't focus on even the smallest task.

I soon brought myself back to reality but couldn't shake that need for physical and mental domination and my concentration was seriously interrupted by deviant thoughts for the rest of the day. By around 11:30pm I was so horny and wound up and I needed to cum. I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep if I didn't. I texted Sir and was so relieved when he told me to cum twice!

Then. yesterday morning as I was settling into work, he texted one work "cum". I can't even begin to explain the chemical reaction in my body. It was like bring jolted by electricity. I was on a mission and nothing was going to stop me. I quickly ran to my car but there were too many people around and I didn't want to get arrested! So I went back inside and went into the bathroom. By that point, I was wet and my pussy was aching! I barely had time to fantasize when I came. Hard. Luckily no one came in :)

So, as you can see, it was quite the stimulating week!

I feel revitalized in my submission. I'm feeling it more mentally and physically now. It makes me realize how detrimental my actions in July were. It is just now finally back to normal and I'm so happy!

The only way this week could have been better was if I could have fucked Sir. But that is for him to decide when and where. I know it's not my place to demand things. In the past, I would have gotten anxious and irritable but I now feel at peace and confident knowing that when the time is right he will have me come to him. I've come along way in this aspect of my submission and the sense of serenity I feel is almost spiritual.

As for my ad requesting ideas and fantasies? I must have received 75 responses and they are still trickling in. The first thing I noticed was how many people asked about and offered things totally irrelevant to my ad. Mostly propositions. I reread my ad and I did not, in any uncertain terms, say that I was looking to hook up with any one. About 90% of the responses were about how I could write about all of the very graphic things after they did them to me. Some of them were very off putting especially ones about domination. I can't and don't want to imagine anyone dominating me but Sir. In fact, the thought of it is downright repulsive to me. The most enjoyable responses were the ones where they told a general story as opposed to telling me what they would do to me.

I also learned how lucky I am when it comes to finding women to share with Sir. So many people out there have trouble finding a threesome! I admit it is probably the most difficult type of person to find and to actually form some kind of relationship with but Sir and I have done it many times. Not that it was always easy. I remember the incredible stress and anxiety it caused me in the beginning and there were many times I thought it would never happen. The more experienced and confident I got, the easier it was to find willing ladies. This is most likely because I no longer give off the air of desperation. My attitude is that if something with any given woman works out that's great. If not, it kind of sucks, but I just go on to the next one. I heard from people who have been trying for a long time and never even found a single unicorn and hoped I would help. That's sad but sorry, it's not going me.

I thought it was interesting that Sir and I already have fulfilled many of these fantasies that I heard about including the following:

- Rape/break in
- MFF threesome 
- exhibitionism like at a sex club
- outdoor sex
- Orgasm on demand . Boy did I have trouble with that at first now it's so ingrained that it requires no thought or effort on my part. It just happens. So amazing!
- Orgasm control and denial 
- sex with threat of getting caught (this makes me nostalgic for his old car...)
- piercing and tattooing as a sign of submission.

We are very compatible and our kinks match up nearly perfect. He often has this sixth sense of what I need and just how far to take me. Much to my amazement Recently I realized that I can't hide my emotions with him as much as I like to think I can. He can read me quite well. Maybe even better than anyone. I'm not sure how I feel about that this....

This was a very special week not only because it was filled with light-hearted, sexy fun and perpetual arousal. It's because for the first time in awhile I didn't feel bad or guilty or regretting something I had done wrong or to disappoint him. I feel so much sexier, submissive and fulfilled this way. Both Sir and I deserve happiness and a life overrun with positive drama and I plan on doing everything in my power to make sure it stays like this! 

Thank you Sir for bringing happiness and sexual electricity to my week.I am honored to submit to you and appreciate you more than you know :)